Introduction
In his book “The Five Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts” (Chapman, 2015), Dr Gary Chapman talks about five love languages that, throughout his counselling career, he came to identify as five distinct ways people express and receive love. His belief is that, after the “in love” phase high comes down, people in a marriage need to learn to speak their partner’s love language(s) to have a healthy marriage.
Plenty of research and literature tell us that there are two phases to love: the phase of “being in love” (a.k.a romantic love) and the phase of deciding to love (e.g., Bradshaw, 2014; Chapman, 2015; Fisher, 2008; Lipton & Bhaerman, 2009).
Chapman (2015) and Bradshaw (2014) recognise that in a long-term relationship, like a marriage, the greatest danger to the relationship success and survival comes after the “in-love” phase, as this is when the two partner’s family of origin traditions and subconscious programming comes into the relationship and it must be negotiated. During the in-love phase, the two partners are in a heightened neurochemical trance, akin to an altered state of consciousness. The brain experiences an extended high, simulating a subconscious, effortless flow state—hence why lovers often describe it as being in a “dreamlike” reality.
Neurochemical Mechanisms Behind This High
- Dopamine Overload: This neurotransmitter surges, reinforcing pleasure and making every moment with the partner feel deeply rewarding. It fuels intense focus, obsession, and the compulsion to seek more interactions.
- Oxytocin Release: The “bonding hormone” fosters deep trust and emotional fusion, making partners feel inseparable.
- Norepinephrine Increase: Enhances alertness, arousal, and energy, contributing to the heart-racing excitement of love.
- Serotonin Drop: Creates obsessive tendencies, where thoughts of the loved one dominate consciousness.
- Endorphin Stability: Generates a sense of security, reducing stress responses and reinforcing the relationship as a “safe space.”
(Bradshaw, 2014) suggests that this is nature’s way of having babies.
Unfortunately, most people are not aware of this distinction and they interpret the end of the in-love phase as the end of love. This is also the phase where most people get married and have children. In this phase, everything happens effortlessly; this chemical state suppresses ego defences, leading individuals to idealise their partners and overlook incompatibilities (Bradshaw, 2014). However, Lipton & Bhaerman (2009) take this further, suggesting that because the logical brain is chemically overridden, people believe they are fully conscious and making rational decisions when, in reality, they are under a powerful biological illusion.
During the in-love phase, our logical brain is chemically hijacked, creating the illusion of full awareness and control. However, because this state mimics the effortless flow of subconscious decision-making, people experience a sense of alignment and deep fulfilment (Lipton & Bhaerman, 2009). This chemically induced euphoria is powerful but temporary, and once it subsides, partners must actively work to sustain their relationship.
Experts agree that once the neurochemical high of romantic love fades, partners must confront reality—and each other—in ways they hadn’t before. While there are different views as to the duration of the in-love phase (some say 12-18 months, others 2 years), all agree on its limited duration (Bradshaw, 2014; Chapman, 2015; Fisher, 2008; Lipton & Bhaerman, 2009).
This is where (Chapman, 2015) argues that if the two partners learn to speak each other’s love language(s) there is a good chance that the marriage will be healthy, long lasting and happy.
Chapman (2015) offers a framework for sustaining love beyond the neurochemical high, but is something missing? In this blog, I argue that there is a crucial yet overlooked love language—one that is fundamental to long-lasting, fulfilling relationships: Emotional Integrity & Efficacy
The Five Love Languages
So What Are These Five Love Languages?
I’m going to briefly outline the five love languages identified by Chapman (2015) without delving too deeply into details.
1.Words of Affirmation – Some partners feel most loved when they receive verbal expressions of appreciation and encouragement. Simple phrases like “I love you,” “You look great in that outfit,” or “Thank you for fixing that, I really appreciate it” reinforce emotional connection.
2.Quality Time – Love is best expressed through undivided attention. This could be engaging in meaningful conversations, making eye contact, or sharing activities that strengthen the bond.
3.Acts of Service – Some partners feel most loved when their spouse helps with tasks, such as preparing a meal, taking out the rubbish, or handling household chores—especially during busy or stressful times.
4.Gifts – Love is symbolised through thoughtful gifts, which serve as tangible expressions of affection and care.
5.Physical Touch – Frequent touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or sexual intimacy, fosters closeness and emotional security.
Chapman (2015) emphasises that individuals may have different primary and secondary love languages, and recognising these differences is key to maintaining a strong relationship.
While Chapman’s framework captures many important ways partners express love, I believe one fundamental love language is missing: Emotional Integrity & Efficacy.
Emotional Integrity & Efficacy
Emotions are complex biochemical and neurological responses to environmental stimuli, often shaping our physiological and psychological state. Some describe emotions as ‘energy in motion’ (e-motion), emphasizing their dynamic influence on behaviour and perception.
Emotions arise as responses to environmental stimuli processed by our senses (touch, smell, taste, sound, and sight). Sensory input is first processed by the thalamus, which relays signals to the amygdala (for rapid emotional responses) and the prefrontal cortex (for conscious interpretation). The limbic system, particularly the amygdala and hippocampus, plays a crucial role in encoding emotional memories and regulating stress responses.
While many daily stimuli pass unnoticed, particularly intense experiences—whether positive or negative—are encoded more deeply due to the release of neurotransmitters and stress hormones. For instance, attraction to a potential mate triggers dopamine and oxytocin, reinforcing pleasure and bonding. Conversely, traumatic experiences activate the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, leading to the release of cortisol, which can condition the nervous system to anticipate future threats. Bradshaw (2014) discusses how unresolved emotional trauma can become ‘toxic shame,’ affecting identity and relationships long after the event has passed.
Lipton (2015) highlights that emotional states influence gene expression via biochemical signals. Chronic stress, for example, maintains high cortisol levels, potentially altering immune function and accelerating cellular aging. Conversely, sustained positive emotional states—like gratitude and connection—enhance oxytocin production, which promotes healing and neuroplasticity. This suggests that managing emotions effectively is not just a psychological skill but a biological imperative for wellbeing.
Emotions are the result of a bidirectional dialogue between the body and brain. The nervous system relays physiological states (e.g., heart rate, gut sensations) to the brain, which interprets them as specific emotions based on context and past experiences. This feedback loop explains why emotions are not only psychological phenomena but also deeply embodied experiences.
Emotional Integrity: The Foundation of Authentic Love
Love is more than an exchange of gestures—it is the meeting of two authentic selves. While Gary Chapman’s five love languages provide valuable ways to express love, they are incomplete without a deeper foundation: Emotional Integrity & Efficacy. Without this sixth love language, the other five risk becoming surface-level performances rather than genuine connections rooted in truth and self-awareness.
At its core, Emotional Integrity means being in perfect sync with our emotions, neither suppressing them nor distorting them to fit external expectations. It is the art of:
✔ Being in touch with our emotions—recognizing what we feel, in real-time, without fear or denial.
✔ Labelling our emotions accurately—a key skill in emotional intelligence that allows us to understand our inner landscape.
✔ Healing toxic emotions—identifying where unresolved pain, shame, or trauma distort our emotional responses and addressing them.
✔ Presenting ourselves authentically—expressing emotions openly and honestly rather than masking or modifying them for social approval.
The Integrity in Emotional Integrity
The term integrity means wholeness, completeness—being undivided. To have emotional integrity is to recognize, honor, and express our emotions without distortion or fear, ensuring that our inner truth aligns with our outward expression.
This means:
🔹 Always speaking our truth—not just intellectually, but emotionally, staying true to our feelings rather than suppressing them to please others.
🔹 Expressing emotions in a way that is honest yet constructive, rather than manipulative or repressive.
🔹 Avoiding emotional dishonesty—saying we are “fine” when we are not, or pretending we don’t care when we deeply do.
John Bradshaw (2014) highlights how many of us grow up learning to suppress, deny, or distort our emotions due to societal or familial conditioning. This creates toxic shame, where we begin to feel that our authentic self is unworthy of love. When emotional suppression becomes a habit, we lose the ability to connect deeply—not just with others, but with ourselves.
True intimacy requires radical emotional honesty. If two partners are not authentic with each other—if they hide their emotions, suppress their needs, or fear expressing their vulnerabilities—their relationship may feel surface-level, no matter how much they engage in the five traditional love languages.
Emotional Efficacy: The Mastery of Our Emotional World
While Emotional Integrity is about truthfully experiencing and expressing our emotions, Emotional Efficacy is about understanding where our emotions come from, how they are shaped, and how to manage them responsibly.
Many of our emotional responses are not original to us—they are subconscious programs downloaded from our parents, culture, and early experiences (Lipton, 2015; Lipton & Bhaerman, 2009).
During the first seven years of life, the brain operates predominantly in theta wave states, a mode of deep learning and absorption. During this period, children internalise beliefs, behaviours, and emotional responses from their environment, often without conscious awareness. If these early imprints contain fear, neglect, or conditional love, they become the default settings for emotional reactions in adulthood—shaping how we perceive love, express emotions, and navigate relationships.
Emotional Efficacy means:
✔ Recognizing when an emotional reaction stems from past trauma or childhood conditioning, rather than the present moment.
✔ Understanding that our subconscious programming can affect our relationships—often making us react out of fear, insecurity, or learned helplessness.
✔ Taking full responsibility for our emotions, rather than expecting a partner to “fix” or validate them.
✔ Actively reprogramming limiting emotional beliefs through self-awareness, emotional healing, and inner work.
This is where love languages become truly meaningful. If two people express love through actions but lack Emotional Integrity & Efficacy, their gestures may be hollow or inauthentic. A person may:
•Give words of affirmation but repress their deeper emotional struggles.
•Offer quality time but feel emotionally disconnected.
•Show acts of service but lack the courage to express their own needs.
If two partners are not emotionally honest with each other, they risk undermining the very love languages they are trying to practice.
Emotional Integrity & Efficacy: The Missing Love Language
Unlike the traditional five love languages, Emotional Integrity & Efficacy is not just a way to express love—it is the foundation that makes all other expressions of love meaningful. Without it, love languages can become performative rather than transformative. With it, love becomes:
✔ Authentic—because emotions are expressed truthfully, not hidden or repressed.
✔ Resilient—because emotional wounds are not projected onto the relationship.
✔ Liberating—because partners support each other’s emotional healing rather than reinforcing past traumas.
Love, in its highest form, is not just about expressing affection—it is about creating a space where both partners can be fully themselves. True connection requires not only giving love but being fully present in it, and that begins with mastering the sixth love language: Emotional Integrity & Efficacy.
References
Bradshaw, J. (2014). Post-romantic stress disorder: What to do when the honeymoon is over. Health Communications.
Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 love languages : The secret to love that lasts. Northfield Pub.
Lipton, B. H. (2015). The biology of belief 10th anniversary edition (1st ed.). Hay House.
Lipton, B. H., & Bhaerman, S. (2009). Spontaneous evolution : Our positive future (and a way to get there from here) (1st ed ed.). Hay House.
